Category Archives: Cristina Bontas, ROM

My fellow American, Cristina Bontas

It’s floor exercise time at the Kim Zmeskal Show

Fortunately, I’m only going to talk about Cristina

Red, yellow and blue. Cristina's a patriot.

When gymnastics fans of my generation are old wrinkled great-great grandmothers and somebody asks us what we remember about the 1991 World Championships, most will say, “Kim ZmeskalGo Kimbo!”

Not me.  Fuck that.  I’ll remember Cristina Bontas.  (And gorgeous Tatiana Lysenko and breathtaking Tatiana Gutsu and weirdo Shannon Miller.)  But I’ll remember Cristina especially because she did the most patriotic floor routine I’ve ever witnessed.  It was American patriotic, but still.

One thing you can say about the Romanians is, they know how to pick floor music.  (This doesn’t include Dobre’s and Silivas’ music in Seoul, which are two of the most ridiculous pieces of floor music in the history of gymnastics.)

Lavinia carried on the tradition

Remember in Atlanta, how Milo performed to a song called “Camptown Races”?  Totally American, totally designed to suck in the biased American audience that ended up causing Romania to lost the Team gold medal.

Most of you probably had no idea what Milo’s song was called.  Here’s a version of it sung by Johnny Cash.  I’m sure you’ll recognize the melody.

Cristina was a patriot and an awesome gymnast

In Indianapolis, the Romanians turned Cristina loose with not just one American standard song but all kinds of American standards.  Watching her on floor made me feel proud to be a girl who is an American but wishes she could be Romanian.

Before I start talking about all the songs, here’s Cristina on floor.

Now here are the songs that I (and my mom, because I needed her help on some of them) can recognize in Cristina’s routine and a little useful info about them.

1. “The Star Spangled Banner”  This is our national anthem.  Russia’s is A LOT better.  So is Romania’s.

2. “O Suzanna.”  This is a song about a guy who went all the way from Alabama to Louisiana with a banjo on his fucking knee in order to see his true love.  Makes no sense to me, but I’m not from Alabama.  Or Louisiana, like Carly Patterson, thank God.  In Malibu there’s probably a zoning ordinance against running around with a banjo on your knee.  I know you can’t set up a lemonade stand without getting harassed.

3. “When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again This song tells the story of a great Confederate Army soldier named “Johnny,” who is finally coming home again after the goddamn North beat the South in the Civil War and essentially laid the groundwork for the utter destruction of our once-great country.

4. “Yankee Doodle  This song begins with “Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni.”  Obviously Yankee Doodle had some problems, and it’s no surprise because I think he was from Massachusetts, like Sacramone.  But he was a Yankee, wherever the fuck he came from (meaning he was on the side of the North).

5. “Deep In The Heart Of Texas Both of my parents are from Texas, so I have heard this song several times before.  Texas is part of the South, which put together the Confederate Army in order to kill all the Northerners, including those from New York and Massachusetts, like Yankee Doodle and Sacramone.

Interestingly, 1991 WC commentator Bart Conner points out near the end of Cristina’s routine: “Funny, it’s obviously designed to get the American crowd into it, but they don’t seem to be interested at all.”

Well, hell no.  Americans are only patriotic when they’re killing somebody from another country.  Or burning cute little witches at the stake, like the fucking Christians did back in 1692-1693.  Read about all that shit here.

Wrapping it up

Did you learn anything from this story?  If you paid attention, you learned:

1. It would have made more sense for Svetlana Boginskaya to win the 1991 World Gymnastics Championships All-Around gold medal than Kim Zmeskal.
2. Tatiana Lysenko and Tatiana Gutsu were HOT in 1991!
3. Aurelia Dobre’s floor music in 1988 wasn’t all that thrilling, but she had a body worth killing a million Yankees over.
4. It’s America’s fault that Romania lost the Team gold medal in Atlanta.
5. People from Alabama have no problem traveling all the way to Louisiana with a banjo on their damn knee.
6. Because the South lost the Civil War, we have all kinds of problems.
7. There is a possibility that Alicia Sacramone will stick a feather in her hat and call it macaroni like Yankee Doodle did because she’s from Massachusetts.
8. Texas is very hot in the summer, so it’s a good thing I live in Malibu, because I hate to be all sweaty.
9. Most likely Nadia Comaneci can kick Bart Conner’s ass.
10. American Christians at one time believed it was God’s will to strip 13-year-old girls naked and burn them alive because they acted weird.

Sarah!

PS: Hey, Deluxe: does this make me closer to becoming a REAL Romanian citizen???

FINALLY, since I don’t know when to quit, here’s a song called “Coontown” by the great Southern patriot Johnny Rebel.