Top 10 Likely Changes to USA Gymnastics if Gabrielle Douglas Becomes the 2012 Olympics All-Around Gymnastics Champion
(This was written yesterday, before I heard the horrifying news this afternoon.)
10. Fried Chicken at every practice.
9. Watermelon in every gymnast’s locker.
8. Routine drive-by shootings over leotard colors outside the gym.
7. Gibbon monkeys modeling leotards for the next USAG catalog.
6. New jokes like: Gabby and her mother were on a plane. Suddenly, over the intercom, which the pilot doesn’t know is on, the pilot says, “You know, Chuck, I could sure go for a cup of coffee and a blow job.” Hearing this and not wanting the pilot to further embarrass himself, Gabby bolts from her seat and heads to the cockpit to tell the pilot his intercom is on. Gabby’s mom leans out into the aisle and yells, “Gabriella – don’t forget the coffee!”
5. Miller/Gutsu no longer an issue, when it should be until the earth collides with the sun.
4. Sacramone’s knockers no longer an issue, which they should be until she becomes a transsexual and nobody gives a shit anymore.
3. Shawn who?
2. Finally an opportunity to prove that blacks can do anything whites can do, only not as good.
1. A question that will remain unanswered for the rest of time: We know how old Gabby is, but how the hell old was Kim Gwang Suk?