Category Archives: JordAn Wieber, USA

JordAn Wieber has a crush on Justin Bieber. Hmmm . . .

It wouldn’t be easy for JordAn to get a guy worth $108 million

But the result would be soooooooo worth it

I think he’s queer, but then I think a lot of things.

In a video called A Day In the Life of Jordyn [sic] Wieber,” it is said that JordAn has a crush on singer Justin Bieber.  Join the crowd, JordAn.  For a reason I can’t comprehend, millions of girls are crazy about this guy.  Personally, I think he looks queer.  But my opinion about his orientation doesn’t matter.  I want to find a way to get these two together.

For you Flying Monkey and Aly the Jew fans, in case you haven’t noticed, JordAn and Justin have very similar first and last names, although Justin spells both of his correctly.  Here’s a closer look at the similarity.

  • Both first names are spelled consonant, vowel, consonant, consonant, vowel, consonant.
  • Both last names are spelled consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant, vowel, consonant.
  • Both first names contain six letters and end in an “n.”

If we could somehow get Justin to ignore all the HOT girls who leave puddles at his concerts and get him to pay attention to a plain girl like JordAn and consent to marry her, there would be all kinds of potential fun.  First of all, JordAn would only have to change one letter in her last name.  She would then be JordAn Bieber (plus she’d be richer than fuck – see below).

This is what she’ll be doing at every competition when fans start laughing her off the podium.

But the best fun would be if she decided to do like many married women and have a hyphenated last name.  Then she would be JordAn Wieber-Bieber.  Now, I’m not as familiar with JordAn’s intelligence level as I am with dimwit Shawn’s, but it’s possible she’s actually stupid enough to do something like this, never giving it a second thought, until audiences start laughing her off the podium.

HOUSE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, now on the balance beam, from the United States (stifles a laugh), JordAn (barely stifles another) . . . Jo . . . JordAn Wie (starts laughing uncontrollably until he’s nearly in tears)  (To someone else in the booth) Here, hahahahah, here – I can’t do it – you . . . try it.

The best team in the world was beaten by the most disrespectful fans in the world in Atlanta.

AUDIENCE: (Falling into the aisles and making more disruptive noise than the disrespectful crowd in Atlanta that caused the Romanians to lose the All-Around and Team gold medals.)

And in an adjacent booth:

TIM: I really think . . . I really think Wieb (chuckling) . . .

(You can hear Al already laughing.)

ELFI: (Not laughing, but you can hear a smile in her words.)  What were you going to say, Tim?  Tell us who you were talking about.

TIM: Down on the b-b-b-beam, Wieb (busts into laughter.

(It sounds like Al has fallen out of his chair and dragged his microphone with him.  For ten seconds, all you hear are Al’s and Tim’s hysterical laughter.  Then Tim manages to squeeze out “Wieber-Bieber,” and the laughter of both men intensifies and what sounds like a glass shatters to pieces.)

ELFI: You two (cuts out) to grow up.  We’re (cuts out) to cover an imp (cuts out) – Al, what the hell are you doing down there?

AL: I (laughs) I got my (cuts out) tangled in the microphone wires (cuts out) too hard to get it out!

ELFI: Jesus (cuts out) almighty – Tim can you (cuts out) long enough to help (cuts out)?  The last time I (cuts out) under a table with Al, he tried (cuts out.)

(Twenty seconds of Al and Tim laughing uproariously.  Ten more seconds pass.)

AL: (Out of breath) Okay, the cables are back secure in the jack box.  Whew, I thought I was going to pass out there for a minute.

ELFI: Well, her beam routine’s over now.  Good job, guys.

TIM: (Barely able to talk; sounds like he’s been crying)  Whose beam routine, Elf?

ELFI: JordAn Wieber-Bieber’s.

(Now all three laugh insanely, and NBC switches over to midget wrestling.)

I don’t know about you, but I would PAY to hear that.

And then there would be formal occasions, where the couple would be introduced as Justin Bieber and JordAn Wieber-Bieber.

Okay, on to something more serious with these two.

Justin Bieber fast facts

  • Born March 1, 1994 in London, Ontario, Canada.  He is 18.
  • Mom, Pattie, was 17 when she gave it up to Justin’s dad, Jeremy, whom she never married.
  • Justin has earned $55 million in the last 12 months.  As of August, 2012, his net worth was $108 million.
  • Justin was discovered on YouTube, where his mother posted videos of him singing.
  • Justin says he is a Christian, has a relationship with Jesus, and goes so far as to talk to Him.
  • He believes you should only have sex if you love someone and that abortion is “like killing a baby.”
  • In May 2012 (18 years old), Justin bought a 10,000-square-foot house in Calabasas, Calif., not that far from where I live.

JordAn Wieber fast facts

  • Born July 12, 1995 in DeWitt, Mich. She is 16.
  • Her mother, Rita, was a prostitute and the man she calls “father,” David, was a janitor and occasional semen donor at the University of Michigan when Rita conceived JordAn.
  • It’s unclear who JordAn’s real father is (no tests were ever performed), but Rita stopped hooking when she learned she was pregnant.
  • Prior to being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, JordAn enjoyed spending all her spare time at the mall but has since stopped because “there are too many old sewing machines in that place.”
  • JordAn’s older brother, Ryan, once stole a car and got caught because he kept up the payments.
  • JordAn says her favorite gymnastics website is The Girl From Malibu, because, “Sarah is the only high-level gymnastics journalist I know of whose writing rarely contains a mistake.  Unless she’s writing about gymnastics.”

So you should all be able to see how important it is that these two get married.  If any of you have connections to either one, start trying to set it up.  If you need any help from me, just let me know.

Sarah!