O America, what have you done now?

We’ve corrupted everything we’ve touched

Fortunately, Romania got its favorite candy bar back

 

The Jap sneak attack on Pearl Harbor.

It’s a well-known fact among high-level thinkers that everything America touches turns to shit.  Take the Japanese, for example.  For centuries, they were an honest and honorable people.  Their men had honor, and their women walked honorably ten feet behind them.

Then on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japs decided to sneak-attack Pearl Harbor.  American deaths totaled 2,402 with 1,262 wounded.  On the Jap side, just 65 military personnel were killed.  We managed to capture a single Jap, a sailor in their navy.

Of course, we paid the rat bastards back by destroying the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki with the atomic bomb.  Fucked them up a hell of a lot worse than Godzilla ever could have.  And then, because we are idiots (and future history bears this out), we went right to work helping them rebuild their dilapidated cities and re-grow their economy so they’d have enough money to come attack us again.

Point: before Pearl Harbor and Hiroshima, we Americans weren’t exactly buddy-buddy with the Japs.  After Pearl Harbor, we infiltrated their country with our styles and our ideals, and it wasn’t long before the damn Japs were acting as bad as the damn Americans.

Instances of America polluting some other country are numerous, and I’m too drunk to get into all of them here.  But I do want to get into one of them, because it’s something my online friend Deluxe tipped me off to a long time ago, but I was too fucked up with my fucked-up ex-boyfriend Scott to do anything with it.

How the American flag almost ruined a Romanian candy bar

Deluxe swears on a stack of bibles (like that means shit, but still . . .) that the facts described in the video below are true.  Watch it.

 

The desecrated ROM candy wrapper.

Romania has never been what you could call a “highly prosperous nation.”  They’ve had all kinds of political unrest and much trouble generating sufficient exports to strengthen their economy.  I’m guessing leaders believed that ROM candy would sell better with an American flag on the wrapper rather than the Romanian flag.

That’s like saying Megan Fox would be hotter if you covered 80 percent of her body with first-degree burns and added an extra eye and a fucking arm sticking out the side of her head.

But the ROM move was all about money, so Romania went with the U.S. flag.  As you saw in the video, that decision didn’t go over too well with Romanians.  Hell no – they were proud of their candy, and they were and still are proud of their flag!

Read more about the debacle on FastCompany.com and KingOfRomania.com, just so you know I’m not making all of this up.

What if Silivas had been traded to America???

 

Turning Daniela into an American would NOT have helped her popularity.

From what I can gather, it was Romania’s idea to use our flag.  That is, America didn’t swoop in and try to take over the candy bar.  Romanian officials believed – incorrectly – that the American flag would boost sales.

That’s like saying Daniela Silivas would have been more popular in Romania if they’d traded her to the U.S. team.  People in Romania would be like, What the fuck???

But whatever the reason for the wrapper change, it just goes to show that only in America do people give a shit one way or the other about America.  And even a goodly number of those could care less.

Romania probably thinks we’re a bunch of fucking weirdoes.  Russia has never liked us.  The Japs tried to wipe us out.  The Pakistanis did wipe us out.  Not only are we the laughingstock of much of the world, we’re hated in places most people don’t even know there are places.

National pride and another point I forgot

 

Andreea: One of the numerous hardships Romania has suffered over the years.

Unlike America, Romania is a proud country with a proud people.  They have weathered so much hardship and uncertainty.  Uncertainty in America amounts to needing an oil change and taking a chance that fucking Jiffy-Lube will be opened on a Sunday.

Romania had to live under the imprisoning bond of communism.  Its citizens had to endure hardship and manipulation and coercion.  Even worse, they had to live with the IOC (Idiotic Olympic Committee) stripping Andreea Raducan of her gold medal, while over here in America, incomp Mary Lou Retton still has hers.

(Personally, I think that since Andreea is never going to see her Sydney gold, they should strip Mary Lou of her L.A. gold and send it over to Andreea.)

As with many of my more recent stories, I had a point but it got washed away in the suds.  So I’ll make this point: DON’T PUT THE AMERICAN FLAG ON ROMANIA!  Yes, we lead Romania in many categories including income, gross national product and educational opportunities.

We also lead in fucked-up people, black slums and Mexican barrios.  And fat women.  I fucking guarantee you we have more fat women here than any country in the universe does.

But what we will NEVER lead Romania in is gymnastics.  And that’s all I really care about, because I’m not going to eat ROM candy no matter what flag is on the wrapper, and I’m never going to get fat or be a black or a Mexican.

If anybody has any more info on the ROM fiasco, please comment and tell us about it.

Sarah!

BONUS POINTS

Here’s a video of the Rom Anthem.  It will inspire you.